Scarcely three months after enduring a year of radical surgery, chemo and radiation treatments, and after receiving in October an “all clear” verdict from our doctors, Charlotte’s stage three breast cancer has returned as stage four cancer in her liver. We won’t know till she has a full body scan this week if her cancer has spread further.
Prognosis is grim in situations of matastasis to liver and soft tissue; bones are also frequent tandem targets. The doctors have super-duper drugs now lined up–a regimen to reinforce their illusion of technique. I’ve lost all confidence in medicine’s ability to do anything beyond rearview mirror bungling. Disease and healing are idiosyncratic, not generic, but our drugs and our system driven by accountants are “generic.” Because conventional medicine is all about averages and doses, plans and payments, individual health is a casualty of processing humans as machines with broken parts.
Char’s stamina has been deteriorating for the past month; pain in her abdomen and bloating. She endured heavy radiation therapy–30 treatments. We thought her fatigue might be cumulative, delayed reaction. No. It’s her virulent strain of cancer showing itself stronger than chemo and radiation.
Between bouts of sobbing and hand-wringing, I am fiercely angry. It was easier in the old days when there was a god in my universe, a loving father who held the whole world in his hands. Even when bad things happened to good people there was still a god-figure to yell at as a cosmic bungler. But only children and believers gasp over the ‘why?’ question. To put away childish things is to know there is a ‘what?’ question, and there is a ‘how?’ question in life; the rest just is.
Yesterday, to hide my crying from Charlotte, I fled to the ancient cottonwood tree near our well-house, to a massive downed tree trunk where the goats climb and where I often go to sit in the sun and think. As I cried my heart out–tears for Charlotte and tears for me and tears for the fragility of goodness–I suddenly became aware of a congregation of mourners. My sobs gathered all my animals: Merton and Dora and Wendell, the donkeys, and all four of the little goats, with the smallest, Gizzi, climbing the trunk to nuzzle my arm. They gathered around silently, looking into my wet eyes, a quiet congregation of saints at a timbered altar. Don’t tell me emotions are beyond animals. They sensed my grief and pain and spoke wordless comfort by their bodies pressed close to mine.
Life is about soul-making, about loving and learning and leaving. I just wish there were less dreadful ways to build character than by furnaces of fire through dark days and darker nights of the soul.
Even in my active disbelief I cling to the sentiment in Helen Steiner Rice’s poem:
Sometimes we come to life’s crossroads
And view what we think is the end,
But God has a much wider vision
And he knows that it’s only a bend–
The road will go on and get smoother
And after we’ve stopped for a rest,
The path that lies hidden beyond us
Is often the part that is best.
So rest and relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share your load,
And have faith in a brighter tomorrow–
You’ve just come to a bend in the road.
I know the future doesn’t come to us; we make it a decision at a time.
As I write this, “faith in a brighter tomorrow” and God’s “much wider vision” sound more cute than credible. Nevertheless, I draw strength from my timbered altar and I martial my courage to treat what looks like a dead end, not as the end, but a bend in the road.
Joseph Harvill, publisher Great Scots Magazine
Dear Joseph,
Count me among the number of animals sitting beside you as you weep and try to make sense of the senselessness of what is happening to you and Charlotte. I, too, am fighting ANGRY and have no target for my anger but injustice, a concept of our own creation. I’m left at letting an impotent “NO!” reverberate the walls of my brain. No, please no.
In times of darkest fears, Jim and I, who like you and Charlotte found each other later in life, whisper our promise back and forth: “Find me sooner next time, ok?”
There may not be a god anymore in my universe, but I do believe in love, and I do believe that it never dies; my Scotties who’ve passed have taught me this hard, beautiful lesson.
My love goes out to you and Charlotte many, many, many times each day. I wish we didn’t live so far away.
Laurie
Oh no!!! I am so sad for Charlotte and you. My goodwill thoughts and prayers (something from someone who really questions that part of life) are with you both. Just know that your readers care.
My heart breaks for you both. Lots of love to you and Charlotte.
Dear Joseph…..I am sitting here weeping. Weeping in sorrow for you and for Charlotte. You KNOW I know about loss as our precious Jordan left on Februay 4th. That day, along with all of the others that followed, were the most painful and brutal of all days. Tears still sting my eyes to even write about it. But one thing I want you to know is that I understand your heart and my Duhgall (we didn’t have Fiona then) stood regally buy us and licked our tears -like licking a wound. As I have shared with you and Charlotte, Doogie knew Jordan was gone before we did. Jordan’s spirit came HOME and DOOGIE saw him. Your altar and animals are such a blessing to your spirit and soul. I don’t know what more to say other than I will pray for you and Charlotte. I pray she gets the medicines she needs to endure this next quest in her journey.
Know we love you and are thinking about you all.
Sending (((hugs)))
Becky and Family
“Difficulty is the very atmosphere of miracle–it is a miracle in the first stage. If it is to be a great miracle, the condition is not difficulty but impossibility.” MY best friend had surgery for brest cancer when she was 35. Eight years later it returned with a vengence. liver, bones and lungs. Her gasping on the phone convinced me I would never see her again. Now 12 years later she still fights, but enjoys a full and blessed life. I am believing for a Miracle!! Luke 17:5
Although I am new to this site I am not new to loving Scotties!
I am sorry to hear this news but, let’s ALL keep our heads up and take one day at a time! It is always darkest before the sun so let’s not all despair. It is the season for miracles and this might just be one of them.
Let’s all talk to the “BIG GUY” and ask Him to send us a miracle in the complete recovery of Charlotte.
Oh my, Joseph and Charlotte, our thoughts and prayers are standing steadfastly next to both of you. We met the two of you in Columbus, Ohio, and the love shared by the two of you flowed so freely and openly. May God help you as you approach this next bend in the road, and give you comfort.
Dear Joseph, What to say….To the most precious people in my world. You have done so much for me, personally, and I feel helpless in the wake of your latest news. You are the 3rd person I know, right at this moment in time, who is fighting the cancer fight. Why it seems that God turns his back on some of the most kind, generous souls, and others who kill, maim and make no contribution to society just go on and on… There is no justice. Still, I cannot give up on believeing there is a God in Heaven. For giving up would mean I would never see my Mother again, nor any of my beloved Scotties. So, I must believe in a life after this earthly existence. Please don’t give up, either of you. Remember, you are the Keeper of the Die Hards. And we need both of you to protect our breed. You are so important to so very many of us. I have to believe that indeed, this is a Bend in the Road. I love the writings of Helen Steiner Rice, and have depended on her to get me thru many obstacles. Thank you for sharing that one!! And keep on keeping on! We love you all and will continue to say prayers for the strength of both of you!
Cheri, Rick, Roger, Magic, Elliott, Riley, ButterScotch and
Forever An’GUS
My thoughts are with you and Charlotte.
Rick
Sometimes searching for the right words to say to help someone feel better can be difficult. So please know that prayers are being said here and I will light a candle.
Dear Joseph and Charlotte and puppers.
I am so sorry to hear this devasting news. I know the sadness and out of control feeling you experience when we are dealth a blow that hurts us to the core of our souls. We will send legions of scottie angels to help your guardian angels watch over you. We are so sorry, keep up the fight and remeber you are loved by all.
Lesley, Will, Bonniedoone, Cassierose (Greta the very brave RB 2005, Allidoone the not so brave, but just a baby RB2001 and Lornadoone the very first RB1999_)
Well, that just sucks.
Having vented my spleen, the only advice I can offer is to live each moment with each other. Don’t shut each other out from the pain and anger and grief. Bawl in each other’s arms. Sometimes a woman needs to know her man hurts, it gives her strength to know she can still offer comfort if nothing else. I will lift you both up in prayer for comfort and strength through this awful time of your lives. Know that you both are loved by your bloggie friends.
Pam
I am so terribly sorry to learn that Charlotte’s illness has returned. Please know I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Charlotte. Having lost a family member to cancer we understand what you are going through. Just remember that you and Charlotte are loved by so many and are praying so hard for both of you.
Ken & Nancy Handshaw
Prayers for strength and comfort for both of you at this very trying time. Hold on to each moment and each other.
Felicia
Dear Joseph and Charlotte:
There are no words to express our sorrow at Charlotte’s illness returning.
Please do not give up ever. Miracles do happen. It has happened in ours and we pray it will happen in yours.
We have wonderful memories of dinner with you two in Old Towne on our visits to N. M. and will pray with all our hearts that we will share a meal again!
Charlotte - Thank you for just being you. Joseph - take heart as you have many people praying for you to have the strength you need now.
Bill and Diane
My heart breaks for your entire family. This is just too cruel to happen to such good people. My thoughts are with you.
Charlotte and Joseph, I am so very sorry to read this; it was all going so well and now we just have to keep the hope and exhibit the same spirit as our very own diehards do when they face their final journey; they don’t think anything is wrong, they keep their heads up and go on with day to day living. Yes it is and will be hard; we know not the plans for tomorrow or even if there will be a tomorrow but we can live in the present as it is given, a gift, the present. Love each other dearly and steadfastly and there has to be a time of meeting again; it would not be possible to think of not having that in our future plans; that is possibly the only thing that gets us through our losses.
I send my love and prayers and many Sprinklescot angels to hover by your sides as you once again travel this dark road; also am sending a special light from the golden threads that connect us to that Rainbow Bridge; from that light will come the special directions of all of our angels who have gone on.
With much love
Dear Joesph & Charlotte,
I heard of your terrible news from Cheri Biggs - she gives me great advise on my scotties - Mac & Zoey. We are “Scotty lovers” and have been for the last 38 years - Scotties rule!!
This has really touched me since my younger sister is going thru almost the same thing. She had breast cancer about 7 years ago and was almost to her 5th year when it reared it’s ugly head again. It matastaised to her bones. She’s gone thru extensive surgery - 1/2 of her pelvic rebuilt, a hip replaced and rods down both legs - many radiation treatments and is now in her 2nd year of chemo treatments. Her prognosis wasn’t too good at that time, but here it is over 2 & 1/2 years later and she’s still with us. THANK YOU GOD !! They have to change her chemo drugs every so often, but she just takes it all in stride and does what she has to do……she’s my HERO!!
There are many new types of chemo drugs and many great cancer treatment center (there’s one in Tuson, AZ). They’re suppose to be the best.
I will add Charlotte and you to my daily prayers and let’s start a “around the county” prayer circle for her…I’m from Syracuse NY…they really work!
Best to both of you and keep up the brave fight!
Linda, Henry, Mac & Zoey Sessions
Dear Joseph and Charlotte,
I’m so sorry to hear this news and prayers being sent.
Larry, Mary and Montgomery
I have kept you and Charlotte in my thoughts and in my prayers since learning of her condition as she began her battle with cancer. To read that it is back has been a blow to my heart. I hope you and she realize just how much you mean to so very many people and how well loved you both are. Whatever affects you, affects us as a sort of extended family. so yes, this news was devastating to hear. But I will continue to pray for strength and peace as she continues her fight. and remember, you and Charlotte are never alone–you have a legion of warriors watching your back. God Bless, Judi
Joseph & Charlotte,
We love you and both of you are in our thoughts.
Ron & Carolyn Grande
Please know that you are both in our prayers. I’m very disheartened by this news…and will pray that the Scotty angels and Charlotte’s beautiful spirit can help beat this again. {{{hugs}}} from Atlanta, GA
I am so sorry to hear this. As a 19 year cancer-survivor I know the emotions and the questions, the resolve and the moments of fright.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Charlotte and Joseph.
We are so very sorry. Words are inadequate but are the only tools we have to try to convey our grief and support. In our hearts and minds we stand with you both, cry with you, embrace you, and try to lessen your pain by sharing it.
Dear Joseph,
I am so sorry to hear that Charlotte’s cancer has returned and the anquish you are both going through. I can understand that you feel forsaken by God right now. My prayer for you is that you will feel His loving arms surrounding you and lifting you both up. He is still here and will carry you—call out to Him. Sometimes when our faith is tested the most, we need the faith of others to lean on. I pray that you have some of those people in your life. Thank you for being so candid and sharing your feelings. Please know that for every person who has signed this log, there are many many more who are thinking of you and praying for you both.
Dear Joseph, Nothing for me to say which will help your heart and soul other than we are thinking of you and Charlotte.
Blessings
Kathleen
To some “Great” Scots.
Joseph and Charlote, our prayers go out to you. It is so hard to convey one’s feeling. We sincerely wish you the best.
Blaine and Gail Rice and “Morag”