I’ve always thought of myself as a life-learner, that is, as one who pursues life as perpetual classroom. Education, in my terms, is never done.
Although never done, life-education can be quick–as in one-week immersion-learning! That’s been my education as a writer this past week. Since official word last Thursday (December 10) that Char’s cancer has reappeared in her liver I’ve been running around like a headless chicken trying to be both of us in chores and duties at Las Golondrinas and learning rather brutally what a ‘pampered’ life she has always provided me by doing everything but think for me in terms of quiet and efficient maintenence of our lives.
Charlotte’s been declining in health and stamina over the past month; she’s dropped precipitously over the past week. She can scarcely stay upright on her feet for even a few minutes and then must lie down on the couch or go to bed. Totally unlike my make-it-look-easy, can-do homemaker, Charlotte, for whom cooking and laundry and 1001 other things this pampered writer has been beneficiary of, have always been a graceful piece of cake.
The combined weight of her role and mine is panic stations for me and suffocation to this writer’s life of the mind. This evening I found myself staring at the adobe wall inside of the well-house where I fill the animals’ feed bowls, staring blankly trying to let my soul catch up to my body. It struck me as never before what a quiet but profound subsidy it has been to my writing to have the luxury of Charlotte’s cheerful competence behind me sheltering me from a thousand domestic tasks and errands so I had freedom to read and think and ponder and write.
So, I’ve been to school this week. Mine has been a crash-course in how much there is behind the page that makes possible what’s on it. I’m pleased to say, I’m graduating first in my class.
Joseph Harvill, publisher Great Scots Magazine
P.S. Charlotte had a full-body P.E.T scan Thursday, 17 December. We confer with her oncologist re: the scan results today, Friday, 18 December. We know from the prior ultrasound scan and blood panel that her cancer has invaded her liver … we’ll know Friday afternoon if it has spread elsewhere. I always thought I liked Fridays … this one is scary.
Our prayers will continue.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the both of you.
I would ask all our scottie friends out there, who are reading this blog, to call on their friends to offer up a prayer for this family. A lot of folks, together, sending up a circle of prayers could do wonders for Charlotte and Joseph. They have done wonders for all of us with their wisdom and kind words when we have been going thru dark times.
Thank you all….
SW
You are in our hearts and on our minds.
Mary, Larry and Montgomery
Rick and I always say that together we have one good brain. We can appreciate how you feel. The feeling of being overwhelmed — can’t be put into words. When I was ill, I had to train Rick to do my chores, at home and in our business. Being ill didn’t make it easy for me to train him, and it took a lot longer as I was tired out easily and on painkillers. Just having two of us, no children, no siblings — for one of us to be left alone would be catastrophic for the other. Please let us know how today went. You are in our prayers, today and always.
I totally understand the subsidy bit. My husband has recently been very ill and the last 5 weeks I’ve done all my stuff and his stuff. I never thought he did anything around the house, except maybe a load of laundry or two. HAH! Dogs out, paper in, coffee on and brought to me before I’d get out of bed. Making sure there was gas, oil and air in the cars. Paying the bills. Running to the grocery store if I ran out of something while making dinner. Cleaning out the diswasher. Dogs out several times a day. Dropping off and picking up dry cleaning. Handling legal issues. Lots of laundry…apparently the little I did was the occasional load or two, not the other way around. Fixing stuff that went bump in the night….I have no idea what I am going to do about the roof on the boat house, we’re in the middle of a wind storm right now and it looks like it’g going to blow off. He would go up and nail it back down in a gale, but I sure as heck can’t. Getting decorations out of the attic, etc. The list goes on and on…..and sometimes I stop and remind my self to breathe OUT….as it seems I’ve been holding my breath for a long time.
When 2 of us muddle along nicely, picking up the others slack and making things go smoothly for each other, it’s more than missed when the other is out of commision, it’s like a 24 hour panic attack.
I wish I could say I was graduating at the top of my class handling it all, but if I pass at all it will be with a low D minus. It feels like I’m not giving anything 100%, just trying to keep all the balls juggling in the air and not drop anything.
My prayers are with you and Charlotte for strength wisdom and courage.
Pam
Oh, boy, does your post sound familiar. Jim’s back surgery last year taught me how much he always did of all those “invisible” things. It was like I had a band of elves who did everything while I slept, and once Jim was recovering from surgery, they up and left! A year and a half past surgery, and we’re still not back to what was once our “normal.” I know now we’ve established a new “normal” and it’s going to be ok–I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to adjust my expectations on how much I can do in any given day, since the baseline of my duties is different now. Some days it’s all I can do to perform the baseline. That’s enough, some days.
Charlotte and you are in our thoughts constantly. I pray the scan results are good news. Remember, courage is not the lack of fear, just being willing to face it down when it strikes. We’re beside you in spirit, and sending you strength as you face this next hurdle and find your way to adjusting to the confusion of a whole new daily life routine. Caretaking is not for sissies, but we all know you’re no sissy, Dr. Harvill.
With love and admiration, and lots of hope,
Laurie, Jim, Sadie, Duncan, and Maddie
I decided to read your blog to cheer me up with some nice stories about your animals. What a shock to find that your recent good news has changed to bad news!
As I had told you last year, my husband was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma about the same time as Charlotte was diagnosed. He started treatment, & was in remission last Christmas, but New Years Day he came down with pneumonia, was hospitalized & many complications developed.
Finally out of the hospital & slowly regaining strength, symptoms reappeared & more treatment was needed
Finally we had to try stem cell transplant, but the treatment simply was too much for his ravaged body. He has been hospitalized for 2 months, is now in a totally helpless state. It is now going to be necessary to put him in a nursing home that provides specialty care.
I cannot believe how this horrific disease can turn your life upside down, whether it be a beloved family member or a beloved dog. Just 15 months ago we were living a normal busy life. I miss him terribly, trying to take over the things he did. Especially since we had 18″ of snow this weekend. Thank God I have good neighbors!
I wish you & Charlotte all the best as you search for help for her. Some of us are having a very sad Christmas this year.
I wish I had found the kind of reading I needed, & you weren’t going through this hell.
Good luck, and wishing you Christmas Blessings!
Elaine, Buddy & Bonnie
charlotte and Joesph
You two are like your scottie, fearless, diehard, and resourceful…You have marched up that hill, with your banners and your lance, you see the enemy and look it in the eyes…you gather the courage and rattle the sword…you will be mightier than the great Scots of old, you have an army of soldiers behind you, who rise up in anger with you…you are the brave hearts…we scream to the heavens aroooooo in your defence…feel us coming, feel us winning, hear our scotsmen in the glenn…hear our horses beat the enemy back..Look back at your army..we are strong…much love and success. Aida Vellotti, and scots lancelot and Galahad