Dear Charlotte ~
We had the crazies at Las Golondrinas Thursday. The gremlins were loose in nine directions, I think activated by our early morning snowfall.
First, the Romero horses unlatched the gate on the fence dividing our properties, came stomping into our pea patch, drove off our cranes, and ate the corn and crane food I deposited on the ground. This is the second time the horses forced their way into our field. After the first intrusion we inserted a stick into the lift-latch mechanism to prevent the horses lifting it with their noses. It worked for a day. We assumed we had them outsmarted. Wrong. I think the big horse just ate the stick, lifted the latch, and let everybody into our field to get the crane’s food. Nathan and I and the two Scotties had a wild chase running three horses up and down the pasture trying to drive them back through the open invasion gate. They’d tasted whole corn and they were not about to quit easily! Finally, armed with long, sturdy ‘asparagus’-tree sapling poles, we got close enough to the horses’ rumps for me to whack a hard lick across the leader’s rump and he decided we meant business and bolted to safety back in the Romero’s field. Our gate on that Romero fence now has a steel snap-latch on it which requires opposable thumbs to remove. I told Nathan if that horse opens the gate now we’ll shoot him and submit his hooves with opposable thumbs to Guinness Book of Records!
Next, the hot water heater servicing the guest bedroom where Nathan is sleeping, suddenly quit, leaving Nate with no hot water trying to get ready to go to Albuquerque job hunting. Last night I noticed our Master Bathroom shower had little hot water but didn’t think too much about it since the plumbing in the old side of the house is squirrely anyway. But then I began connecting the dots today when Nate’s hot water died. The house has felt cold all week … not its comfortable, radiant-heat temperature. I went outside immediately to lift the hood on our propane tank to see if we’d run out of fuel. Bingo! In the whirl of our health crisis since last November, when you began sliding precipitously toward your final end, propane was not ordered, our holding tank was not re-filled, December and January weather was cold and our system ran hard, and so the tank was “empty.” It’s not rocket science: without fuel our house system quit. I called our propane supplier in Los Lunas and she told me to tough it out tonight; they cannot deliver till tomorrow. Thank goodness for our wood-burning stove and our stash of split firewood!
My gremlin ruckus was going on right when Nate and I were trying to get the house picked up for a visitor scheduled to come by to see me. Nathan was trying to get ready to go job and apartment scouting in Albuquerque, we were trying to tidy up the place, but the neighbor’s horses, our house hot water tanks, the furnace boiler and our fuel storage tank were messing with our heads, our schedules, and my sanity!
The day mirrors my mood tonight: unhinged, broken, non-working, empty, too much to handle. I don’t wish to be me, tonight, especially the me I hardly recognize without you. Nothing is right. Everything’s out of place and spent, especially my sense of who I am and what it means to be me.
Tomorrow’s a new day. Maybe the gremlins will take the day off. Do you think your angel band could fit a secure ’snap-latch’ on my will to go on? My latch isn’t holding.
Joseph Harvill, publisher Great Scots Magazine
Hang in there dear Joseph. It’s just a little reminder that there are still some tough times ahead. Think back, if all had happened while Charlotte was here, you would have muddled through with a grumble or two and did what had to be done. The absence of fuel is just another indication of adjustments that must be made - adjusting to having to take care of things - more things - on your own. I do it with lists, and then misplace the lists. Your cranes will return, just as my yellow butterflies never fail me. When the going gets really rough, if I look hard enough, and sometimes not even have to look at all, one will certainly wisp by me to let me know to “keep on keeping on”. There were such incidents before, you just had someone special to steady you. She’s still there, take a breath, feel her, keep the faith. Her white light is all around you. Meg
Well said Meg!
Isn’t it possible, Joseph, that those gremlins are there just to let you know that you ARE alive! I think I would be far more worried about you if you didn’t feel at all. The simple fact that you do tells me that you are coping as best you can, and are working hard at your grief work. In time I hope that you and Nate will be able to look back on this day and have a good laugh at what a sight you two must have been with those two scotties, out there chasing the horses. It brought a smile to my face as I envisioned it, just thinking how much fun MacDuff would have had in the chase!
Having worked through grief in my own life, I know it isn’t always easy to see the reasons, however someone told me back 29 years ago when I lost my infant daughter, “God only gives you what he feels you can handle”. I think maybe thats true. I now believe we all have a destiny to fulfil, for me it evolved into helping the parents of my special education students deal with their challenges as well as lending my support to newly bereaved parents over the years. I know that you are seeing Charlotte’s destiny in how many lives she touched. Somewhere over time you will see your purpose as well. Your readers surely see it already in this blog or the way you are helping Nurse Brooke. Your gift has also been there for us in Great Scots magazine which provides the scottie community a wealth of information for open dialogue with our vets. (The latest issue went with MacDuff and I yesterday for our annual physical and booster vaccinations and was very helpful). So keep on keeping on as Meg said, and know that we are all out here sending you “good vibes” as you do.
Here’s to a few more good days than gremlin days,
Colleen and MacDuff
I love Meg’s insights–about the “adjustments that must be made,” and that “there were such incidents before, you just had someone special to steady you.” Good stuff from your bloggy tribe!
When Jim’s back surgery loomed, my friend Diana gave me great advice, “Just give up on doing anything else for the time being.” Wise, wise, wise. Your first (and some days, only) orders of business each day, Joseph, are to grieve, take stock, refuel yourself as needed, and move on. I find I only get flustered on those days when what I think I “ought to” be getting done is not getting done. On those days, I further frustrate myself by mumbling, “I’m not getting anything DONE!” (As if that were helpful! Would I say something like that to anyone I loved? No? Uh, DUH!) But if I sit down and write out everything I have in fact done–mind you, I’ve not been sitting on the couch, eating bonbons, I realize I’ve done a LOT, and I need to lower the bar a little for myself. I make a cup of tea and maybe even nibble on a biscotti.
YOU can become that special person that steadies you. Everyone knows the advice to take three deep breaths. Know why people keep saying this? It works! I love schedules–they keep the dreamer in me on track–but they are best treated as fluid, if-the-creek-don’t-rise sorts of things. Hang in there, Joseph! Remember what Charlotte knew so well: your perfectionism is your worst enemy. Enjoy the crackle of the wood fires today and take some time to sit with Albie and Burnsie and smile at the messy contingencies of human existence–and at the fact that you have once again outwitted that leader horse–for now!
Love,
Laurie
Dear Joseph,
I have silently been following your blog and adding my prayers for you and your family’s journey during this difficult period. I have enjoyed your accounts of the various animals that are weaving their way through you life. I spent many years working through Indian Health Services and came to love the way our Native brothers & sisters honor the animals as messengers. Birds, because of their ability to approach the heavens through their flight, often times carry “heaven sent” messages. When I read that 4 Cranes came to share their message with you, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. 4 is a sacred number; it is all about balance. The 4 seasons, the 4 directions; the balance in all things. Have you ever observed an outstretched Crane or Heron wing? It is the closest representation to an angel wing I can think of!
And now horses. The horse is all about power. Physical power and unearthly power. When Horse first came to Man, they entered into an honored partnership. Horse agreed to carry the weight of Man upon his own back. Whether it was riding one, or as in packing their belongs on Horse, so that he could lighten Man’s load. The original message that Horse shared with Man was “I am from the void where Answers live. Ride on my back and know the power of entering the Darkness and finding the Light”.
True power is the wisdom found in remembering your total journey. Remember the pathways you have walked with others. Remember the ones you have walked in another person’s moccasins. But what it really comes down to, is staying true to your path; walking it it a Good Way. With compassion, caring, teaching, loving, and sharing your gifts, talents, and abilities with others. That is where your true power comes from. You cannot give all of it away though, you must remember to gift yourself with those blessings first.
From what I have read of your Charlotte, she set a fine example for you with how to proceed forward on the rest of your journey. None of us get to walk a “Yellow Brick Road”. Even Dorothy hit some detours and roadblocks.
But none of us walk this road alone. We are a unified family of humanity. The 2 leggeds, the 4 leggeds, the Winged ones, the crawling ones ……. we are all here to support you, to send you love. Horse may be trying to remind you how how to bring balance back to your life.
Charlotte may no long physically walk with you on your path, but never doubt that she is close by. That connection doesn’t end with death. It merely takes on another form.
With blessings of good health, happiness, and peace,
Lyne
Somedays are just like that, the world rears up and smacks you about the head and ears and you want to just dive under the covers and roll up in a ball. It’s hard to get your feet under you somedays. These things will pass and you did a great job on the fence. I was going to suggest a snap chain, and you were all over it before I got to the end of paragraph. The gas will be delivered, the cranes will come back and no one expects 2 guys batching it to be great housekeepers anyways. Hang in there, one day at time. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and comfort to come your ways. I’m glad your son is there to help prop you up when you fall down.
Pam